38 years old; it ain’t the end but it sure ain’t where I began.

 

Holy hell.  This feels rusty.  Thoughts that used to flow freely and eloquently from my mind to my fingertips are getting stuck somewhere along the way.  I’ve re-written the start to this post about 15 times but nothing feels right.  Is that what happens when you only blog once a year?  So screw it.  How about this?

Hi.

I’m 38 now.  Well, I was 2 months ago and for the first time since starting these birthday posts I am not posting on my birthday.  That kind of made me sad at the time, but I decided it’s more important to write it then to get caught up in the day I write it.  Besides, I have a four month old!  I’m busy.  (Also, how long do you think I can use that as an excuse for things?)

These posts, regardless of how few and far between (or how late) are always therapeutic for me.  They’re for me more than anything else and I actually enjoy going back and reading old posts to remind me of who I was back then.  How I was feeling.  What I was thinking or hoping for.  Here’s 32, 33, 34, 35, 36 and 37.

Last year was tough.  I remember dreading turning 37 because I wasn’t sure how I would emotionally handle turning the same age my mom was when she died.  It seems the older I get, the more often I think of her.  Which seems kind of weird because my memories have definitely faded so I’m not sure why my thoughts often go to her.  What was she like?  What kind of mother was she or would she be now?  Am I like her?

You know how some songs just speak straight to your heart?  The power of music is incredible to me….how you can be so engrossed in a song:  the lyrics, the melody, the sound that it actually impacts the way you are feeling.  I have so many songs that have this power over me, but the latest is the new John Mayer song:  In the Blood.

How much of my mother has my mother left in me?
How much of my love will be insane to some degree?
And what about this feeling that I’m never good enough?
Will it wash out in the water, or is it always in the blood?

There are a lot of reasons I love this song, but that first line gets me every time.  I hope I have a lot of her in me.

Looking back on 37 though, I shouldn’t have been fearful.  Yes it was hard at times and it did make me think of my mom a lot (because good grief – dying at 37 seems so unfair).  But the ironic thing, I’ve realized, is that my 37 gave me life.

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I choose to believe this has meaning.

So I’ve been spending a lot of time really thinking about 38.  Lord knows I have time….every few hours around the clock….uh hem.  Thanks baby.   So I’ve been trying to figure out how I feel about this year.  Am I still in my funk from last year?

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And usually I come back to this:  I.  Feel.  Happy.

Of course there are aspects of my life that I want to change that maybe I’m not happy with.  I hope there always are because that means I’m growing and changing as a person.  But holy hell you guys.  I generally feel happy right now.  I haven’t always been able to say that….in fact it’s been awhile since I’ve been able to say that.  And you know what?   I’m just going to let myself enjoy this for a little while.

I also have to say that along with a welcome dose of happiness, I find that 38 has brought me a little bit of courage.  That “fire” I’ve talked about for so many years….the one that’s burning inside me telling me I can be more.  I can do more.  I can take a leap of faith and do something out of my comfort zone.  It’s growing.  And I’m trying so freaking hard to listen to it this time.  To fuel it instead of ignore it or dampen it.

I know that probably sounds cryptic to you; but I don’t really even know what will come of it myself.  I just know that I cannot keep ignoring that feeling or I will regret it.

So maybe 38 will bring me more than I bargain for.

And I kind of hope so.

Until next year my friends….
Janna

P.S. As always, I’ve borrowed my title from one of my favorite Jewel songs, Stephenville, TX.   Take a listen here:

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