Hello? Hello? Is this thing on?
Hi, my name is Janna and I used to live here. I used to share adventures, stories, recipes and projects here. I used to love coming here.
I miss coming here.
I think it’s fairly safe to say that the days of TWSST are probably gone, but I refuse to miss a birthday post! Until the day this site is banned from the Internet or the whole thing implodes….I will write a birthday post. Because they are mostly for me and I do enjoy going back and reading each years post (bored? You can too! Here’s 32, 33, 34, 35, 36).
So 37, eh? I guess that’s where I am now. I certainly don’t feel like I thought I would at this age (pushing 40!). I thought I would have it ALL figured out by now, you know? Career, Family, Life, Health, Love. Turns out I have this sneaking suspicion that I’ll never have it all figured out so I can just quit worrying about it.
It hit me a few years ago that turning 37 might be hard for me. My mom was 37 when she died from cancer. At the time I was 8 years old and any age over 15 seemed ancient (likely the same time I decided I’d have it all figured out by “then”). But once I hit about 35 I sat back and thought: holy shit. 37 ain’t NOTHING. There’s so much life left to live. How awful to be robbed of that life and all of those years watching your kids grow up. It just really isn’t fair. And it is really hard to be sitting here, at that same age, and think about it being someone’s last year. So, yes, 37 is a bit of a hard year for me, and surely part of why I am entering it feeling a bit unsettled.
I’m feeling a bit different this year as opposed to the past couple of years. It’s bound to happen from time-to-time, right? That feeling of being in a funk. When I sat down to write this post I thought: Do I gloss over this feeling? Do I mention it? Do I just pretend like it’s not happening in an effort to make things look good and happy in my life? I thought pretty hard about this and decided that, no, I don’t gloss over it. It’s happening, and it’s real, and it’s just where I’m at this year. That’s the whole point of writing these. I want to remember this year for what it really is, not for what I wanted it to be. And it’s ok for people to know that things aren’t perfect.
The harder part for me is really pinpointing what’s causing the funk. To look at my life from the outside, there is really nothing to be upset about. And really, for the most part, most days I feel just fine. Except, there’s this feeling. This nagging feeling in the back of my head that I’m not doing what I’m supposed to be doing. That I’m destined for something else. And sometimes when I start peeling back the layers of my reality, I see glimpses of things that on their own maybe aren’t much, but together add up. Wanting a more creative life. Feeling unfulfilled with work. Trying (still) to get pregnant. Struggling with balance. Unhappy with where I’m at with my fitness.
These are important things, and compounded they are taking a toll on me.
Which can feel selfish because these are not life or death things. I have friends going through much harder struggles right now. Cancer. Divorce. Miscarriage. How selfish am I to complain? I have a job. I have one amazing daughter. My health, according to my blood work, is perfect.
It’s just…I can’t ignore that feeling. And it’s got me in a funk.
I think what’s most amazing to me right now, is that my old self may have felt this funk and been fearful. Depressed. Discouraged.
But honestly, what I feel mostly today, is hope. And hope, well. Hope changes everything.
I know I’m capable of great things. I want to work hard and be successful at whatever it is that I do. I think the challenge for me is having the courage to take that first step. To make a plan for change. Whether it be for my career, family, life, health or love. Because maybe if I can take that first step, I can be one step closer to having it all figured out.
Until next year,
37 year old Janna
P.S. As always, I’ve borrowed my title from one of my favorite Jewel songs, Stephenville, TX. Take a listen here: