What I probably shouldn’t say

Scratch that.  This should be titled “What I most definitely should not say. 

To anyone. 

Ever.”

I feel wrong even writing this.  As if transferring my thoughts into words make it somehow more real or more wrong.   But everything I’ve been reading about the feelings I’ve been experiencing  says that I need to deal with it.  I need to talk to people and reassure myself that it’s normal (please someone tell me it’s normal).  That every mom-to-be goes through some sort of anxiety.  And since talking things through isn’t necessarily my strong suit, I’ve turned to writing.  Somehow the words flow from my brain to my fingers easier than they flow from my brain to my mouth.   They always have.   I can sit down and write a 4 page email to someone detailing every thought and feeling I’m having, but when faced with a one-on-one conversation I clam up.  I can’t think of the right way to express my thoughts or even organize them in any sort of logical way.   So writing has always been cathartic for me.  And while not everyone may think a public forum is the correct way to deal with this, I’m putting myself out there.  Not to upset anyone or let anyone down (although I do fear that this admission will change the way people think of me); but because I’m hoping that I can get some reassurance that I’m not the monster I feel like.  That someone out there can connect and relate and say “hey, I recognize that.  And it’s ok.”  So I’m going out on a limb here.  And to all of you who are going to judge me….please spare yourself the time.  I’m already judging myself enough for the both of us.  

But I digress.  Like I said writing is a way for me to deal with issues or disappointments or feelings that I just don’t know how to handle.   This is one of those times.   So here goes. 

I cried.

I cried after our 20 week ultrasound.  Yes, the ultrasound where you can find out the sex of your baby. 

Which we did. 

And I wish with all of my heart that they were tears of joy like “oh I’m so excited we’re having a girl, it’s what I’ve always wanted!”  

It is what I’ve always wanted.  But they were not tears of joy. 

I don’t know what they were tears of.   Tears of fear?  Tears of holy-shit-I-thought-for-sure-it-was-a-boy?   Tears of dread that my hunting/fishing/outdoorsy Husband will not be excited anymore?

Can I stop right there for just a minute?  And just let you know how hard it is to write that.  How hard it is to confess that my first reaction was anything but ecstatic?  I don’t know if anyone can even imagine the guilt that I’ve gone through about having this reaction.  How selfish I’ve felt.  

And I know how awful it sounds to be disappointed for even one second.  That there are people out there who would give everything short of their lives just to have a baby growing inside of them.   That not everyone has an easy pregnancy.  Not everyone is able to carry a baby longer than a few weeks before their bodies reject them.  I know people who have lost babies.  I read several blogs written by women who are infertile or who have struggled with infertility and have cried through more posts than I care to admit.  The pain and struggles that these women go through is unimaginable.  

I wonder what those women would think of me if they read this.  How cruel I must seem.  How heartless I must be.   To be honest, I’m having a hard time getting past those thoughts too.

Because I didn’t just cry one little tear and get over it.  It started as we were walking away from the Dr.’s office.  In complete silence.  The Hubs and I weren’t saying anything.  Just walking down the hall in silence.  And I think it was at that point that I was hoping for a bigger reaction from him.  And from myself to be honest.  I wanted us so badly to be laughing and giddy with excitement and talking about names and everything.  But we weren’t.  We weren’t saying anything. 

I couldn’t stop the tears from coming.  We got outside and The Hubs noticed something wasn’t right, and I couldn’t really explain at that point because I didn’t understand it myself.  So we talked for a few minutes…I promised him I was ok…and I walked to my car to return to work.  Although I didn’t go to work.  I sat in my car for a good ten minutes not knowing what to do.  Just crying.  Trying to make sense of what I was feeling and why I was crying.  I couldn’t go back to work this way.  Everyone was awaiting my return and the joyous exclamation of …”IT’S A……”    They certainly weren’t expecting this reaction from me.  Neither was I. 

So I went home.  I went home and sat with my dog for a while.  She always relaxes me; I can’t explain it.   Awhile later I cleaned myself up and headed into work only to face more tears as I tried my best to proclaim “it’s a girl!”

Great.  Now I’m publicly outed as being the worst mom in the world. 

And while the best co-workers a girl could ask for comforted me during all of this and said all of the right things…I can’t help but think they went back to their desks and thought “Wow.  That was weird.  What a horrible person she is for being upset about the sex of her baby!”   Forever tarnishing their image of me while at the same time securing me a place in their mind as “Janna, that ‘ol heartless chick.”  Probably the same thing some of you are thinking about me right now. 

So I’ve been thinking about this a lot.  And by a lot, I mean A LOT.  It’s pretty much consuming me these days.  I’m trying to make sense of why I had that reaction…because with each passing day the reality is starting to sink in more-and-more (it’s been a week now) and I’m starting to get downright giddy about a future with barbies and ponies and pink everything.  But as hard as I try, I can’t escape the “why?”  Why was my first reaction so negative?  Because it’s really causing me an enormous amount of guilt.  As if somehow that precious little baby knows.  

How do I forgive myself for reacting that way?

But getting back to the “why.”  When I try to analyze it, all I can come up are two possible reasons.  #1, I had myself convinced I was having a boy.   It just had to be a boy.  Everyone around me has boys, so naturally that’s what my fate was.   I chalked it up to a “mother’s intuition.”   And ya’ll know what they say about that. 

Well in this case, it was wrong. 

The second reason, is that I thought it The Hubs needed a boy.  I mean, look at this guy I’m married to.  He’s a man’s man.  He fixes things.  He kills things with guns or bows and arrows (legally).  He is outdoorsy.  I mean, he skis (and when I say ski, I mean he hikes up his own mountains to ski down.  None of this chairlift crap for him), he rafts (and not just your average rivers, rivers of epic size and whitewater, for which he’ll plan 7 day trips down), he fishes, he mountain bikes, he plays hockey (on two leagues), he backpacks through the wilderness, he trail runs, he snowmobiles (rarely on a trail)….I mean honestly!  Is there anything this guy doesn’t do?!  (Besides vacuuming, cleaning or dishes).  He needs a boy.  He needs a little man to be his sidekick through all of these adventures.   And he’d be so good with one.  He could teach him everything and do so well with it. 

In my heart I thought that he needed a boy to be excited about the baby. 

So looking back, I think that’s the true reason I was scared when I found out we were having a girl.   

I’m not blaming The Hubs for this at all.  I’m blaming myself for boxing him in and thinking that he couldn’t do all of those same things with a girl.   And for convincing myself that he wouldn’t be happy with anything other than a boy.  As if he is some sort of heartless person.   

But then I sat back and thought about it more.  And the bottom line is that he does all of those things with me.  He taught me all about rafting and backcountry skiing and fishing and biking.  And I like to think they’ve made me a more adventurous person.  More confident.  More outgoing.  Happier.  Healthier.

In the end, isn’t that really all we would want for any child?

Exactly.  All any parent can hope for is a healthy, happy child.   Boy or girl. 

I can’t change the past.  I can’t change the way I reacted after the appointment, and I’m still not proud of it.  In fact writing about it and admitting it to everyone has been harder than I thought it would be.   But it’s also been healing…because I think I’m starting to understand it. 

It’s not because I’m selfish or because I’m heartless.  It’s because I want the best for her.  I want her to experience the best that both The Hubs and I can offer as parents…because I think we’re pretty cool people.  We do neat things.  We have a lot to offer.    I think it’s more that I was just ignorant and thought we had to have a boy to do all of those things.  When in reality, all I had to do was look in the mirror to realize that girls can do it too.  And be happy.  And still be girls.  And still like pink.   And love their daddies more than anything in the world.

Shame on me for thinking otherwise, because I’m my own perfect example.

In the end, I’m not sure I can forgive myself for the reaction I had.  Maybe I don’t need to.  Maybe it’s ok to be scared and nervous.  To be honest I think it would be kinda weird if I wasn’t…no matter what we were having!   The bottom line is that I already love this little girl more than I can express or really comprehend.  And I know she’s going to turn out great and that The Hubs will be an amazing dad.    It just took me awhile to adjust my perspective and realize how naive I was being.   I wasn’t giving The Hubs (or myself) enough credit.   Because we do have a lot to offer any child. 

Plus, I hear they make pink archery bows.

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19 comments

  1. oh honey…we should talk! i had the same anxieties about having a girl…which most women in my life could not understand. and it is scary and overwhelming on so many levels. and now i have this amazing 4 year old that melts my heart every day and i can’t believe she’s my daughter. hope we can see each other in Msla…love ya!

    1. You’ve brought more tears to my eyes Shawn – so good to hear from you. I would love to catch up with you next time you’re here….are you by chance making it over during Homecoming?? Thanks for your comment and understanding…it means a lot! xo, janna

  2. You are so brave and no you are not the only one who has ever felt that way. I will confess I walked out of our second appointment thinking the same thing I couldn’t understand how we could be having two girls. I knew after the first ultrasound we were having twins but they weren’t sure on the sex of one of them and I was sure God would want my hunting, fishing, dirt bike riding hubby to have a boy to carry on his name. Well God had a different plan we have two dirt bike riding, outdoors loving little tomboys, who are by far the biggest daddy’s girls anyone has ever seen. They turn 9 in a couple of weeks and your blog brought tears to my eyes remembering the look on my hubbys face the first time he held them. Thank you for sharing and congrats. You will be amazing parents and that little girl will have so many adventures.

    1. I love the idea of two little girls riding around on dirk bikes….how darling! Thank you for your comment and for the encouragement. I can’t wait to meet our little girl and see my husband hold her for the first time. xo, janna

  3. Mine is not quite the same kind of story, but I was saddened for my daughter when I discovered she was a she because of the oppresive influences she would face from her father’s family. Nonetheless, there is a sense of guilt that comes from not being thrilled with the news. I was happy for me and the relationship I’d have, but concerned for her. I left my then husband and things worked out for that daughter.

    I had a differing experience when I was pregnant with my son. I loved my daughter, his older sister so much I was afraid there wouldn’t – couldn’t possibly be enough love in my heart for him and I wanted to love him with everything I have and felt like I was being selfish because I truly believed I would have to somehow overcompensate to make things even remotely right and fair for him. Oh the joy when he was in my arms the first time and I apologized to him for even thinking I couldn’t love him enough – there was, I discovered plenty of room in this mother for another child. I raised a few more and love them all equally – differently, as they are different personalities, but equally.

    Now a grandmother, I know that we have at times insecurities an doubts and not to be so hard on ourselves – all things work themselves out and if we just stay out of own way – we can accomplish great things and teach our children and grandchildren the same.

    Thank you fro being open and honest – somewhere in time we as women lost that capability and sense of safety and security within the circle of womanhood/sisterhood. Blessings to you and yours.

    1. Jami – thank you for your kind words, they have truly touched me. I guess we all have our own struggles, doubts and fears to deal with….different….but rooted in the same fears and insecurities. I expected to be judged harshly by this post and instead I’ve received nothing but encouragement. It has really moved me into a more positive perspective and for that I am eternally grateful! Thank you so much for sharing.

      xo, janna

  4. My dear Mamacita…don’t be so hard on yourself. You have nothing to forgive or feel horrible about. Every woman is different on how they react or act on finding out what sex the baby is, or the fact that they are pregnant. As a matter of fact excitement really doesn’t always sink in automatically like you think is should. For some yes, but for others well…it takes time and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.Besides, it can be an overwhelming, scary, exciting, sad, and happy experience all at the same time. LOL! yes I know I have three of my own so I do know what i’m talking about.

    This whole pregnancy thing is a beautiful experience with roller coaster of emotions that goes up and down and up and down and up. By reading your blog I can already see how much love you have for her (your little bambino) just by being open and honest about your feelings.

    You both by far are going to be wonderful parents with out a doubt! Oh yeah! GIRLS can definitely do anything BOYS can do that’s for sure ;-) Keep your head up, don’t be so hard on yourself. You are a beautiful person with so much love to give.

    XOXO your friend,
    Ang aka…Mamacita Chonchita Bonita LOL! (just for old times sake hahaha)

    1. Oh Mamacita Conchita Bonita Angela….thanks for bringing a smile to my face! I sure do miss you. And I appreciate your kind words and encouragement. There’s nothing like a little comfort and advice mother-to-mother.

      xoxo,
      J

  5. Dear Jana,

    I happened upon this post while perusing facebook and your title for sure caught my attention. I am a mother of a little girl and while everyone’s situation is different my heart goes out to you in this but I want you to know, what you’re feeling and countless other feelings that you’ll have throughout your pregnancy and afterward, as your little baby grows up to become a toddler and little girl (and she will as time flies too quickly), there is nothing wrong with expressing how you feel and what you are feeling is natural.

    It’s others not relating how they felt that lead us to believe being a parent/mother is all roses and you just naturally flow from pregnancy to motherhood with all positive experiences. In contrast natural (ie life) includes a myriad of feelings which is the real natural; not a perfect picture that society would have one believe.

    I applaud you for writing it down, one because you’re sharing what you went through with others, and secondly (mostly) for yourself and your little baby. The converse would have been holding onto this which could serve for problems later, likely only compounding as you navigate this journey.

    You’re going to find that there will be loads and loads of advice as all try and help but what you will find is that you DO have intuition and you will naturally be able to follow such realizing that just as everyone’s situation is different so are the families. To try and fit any one family other than your own will bring even more strife, so while you don’t want to box your Hubs, don’t box yourself, your little girl or your family.

    I’ve read some of your blogs, enjoy your crafts and am salivating at the huckleberry cheesecake pic… it warms my heart to see so much sharing and expressing. I too write and write to get things out, it’s quite the release. Keep it up!

    Lol, this is long and while we aren’t close you’re a mother and intuitively you’ve done exactly what’s needed… been true to yourself and how you feel while working through the whys and being open to the light, love and solution.

    You already are an amazing maman, no worries my dear :)

    best,
    Kristy Maffit-Schluter

    1. Wow, thank you so much Kristy! I can’t believe the responses I’ve been getting and how they have helped me move so far beyond this than I thought possible. I think you’re right….while there are motherly instincts that come naturally, I’m finding the flow from pregnancy to potential motherhood is harder than I expected. They really are two different things! I appreciate your kind words and insights, and hope you know how nice it is to hear from you!

      xoxo,
      janna

  6. Janna,

    Let me start by saying your husband is one of the greatest guys I know and it warms my heart to know he has you. I have no doubt he will be wrapped around that little girls finger and your love for him will make your freaking heart grow three sizes every time you see him coo over her. It happens to me on a daily basis.

    When I was pregnant there were several issues regarding the gender of my baby. I had such an easy pregnancy I was suuure it was a boy. I also wanted Jeremiah to have a boy. And lastly, I love my mother, but I’ve never had one of those “my mom is my best friend” relationships. I wasn’t sure I even knew how to be a mom to a daughter.

    When we went to the appointment where we found out the gender, the doc immediately told us we were going to have a girl. I shot back, “Well you know, there are so many times where it’s probably hard to tell what the gender is, so if you want us to come back so you can check again, we can do that.” The doc said again, “Katie, its a girl.” I started into my response again. He stopped me and said something I’ll never forget. He said he is getting and “X Rated” shot of the baby and that if I could imagine someone “sitting on a glass table naked” and”looking up” at them, this is the shot he is getting from my child.. IT. IS. A. GIRL. Ok then. We got ourselves a girl comin’. I loved the frankness of Dr. Burke. Way to set me straight.

    I walked out of the appointment freaked that Jeremiah wouldn’t want the girl and that I would eff her up real good. He wanted a boy. A girl isn’t going to be a quarterback on the football team. But, he made it real clear that even though he wanted a boy, he wanted a healthy baby more.

    What we do have is an amazing girl who looks just like my husband. She will hunt/rope/ride horses/shoot guns/drive trucks/kick ass and then when we get home she will cook with her mama (not that all girls have to cook, I just love to and she loves to help). She is going to be an awesome chick.

    So far I haven’t screwed her up too bad and I’m learning a lot about the relationship between me and my mom, and doing a lot of forgiving. I will tell you there are a lot of days where that forgiveness has to start with yourself.

    Your little girl will have her own skis, which will probably be purple, her first fishing pole may be Hello Kitty, she will wear little Patagonia long johns in a pastel color, and probably bring a doll on her outings with dad. And that’s OK.

    Congratulations! Now on to the baby names…..

    1. Why does it bring me to tears (good ones, ha) every time I think about a macho man taking care of his little girl? Teaching her to rope and ride like I imagine Jeremiah doing, or reading princess books or even just getting her hair in a pony tail?! I can’t imagine what that’s like to watch and how it strengthens your love for them. I have to say that while I know The Hubs is terrified of all of that….he will be amazing.

      Thanks for sharing your story Katie. I can totally see you arguing with the ultrasound tech. hahaha. Typical. ;)

      xoxo,
      J

  7. Hey, just read your post and bravo for writing it. You and Eric are so great, your baby girl is so lucky to have you both as parents. It is completely normal to have all sorts of things going through your head right now. The pregnancy and thereafter, it remains a roller coaster of emotions.
    I must tell you though that my Ryan hates pink and has never liked it, has gotten a few barbies as gifts before and they are all missing hair, an arm or a leg. I bought all of these cutsey bows before she was born and not one has EVER been worn. All the dresses, never worn and all have been given to some other lucky little girls. She has always liked getting as dirty as possible in the garden and doing stuff that her Dad will think is cool. She was pissed last Halloween when I got her a batgirl costume, she just sat there wondering when the Batman costume would arrive. Currently, her favorite things are a camouflage hat, sharks (especially the man-eating ones), riding her bike as fast as she can possibly go, long shorts to her knees, being extra aggressive in soccer and talking about skiing “hard” really soon. Last night, she asked Shawn if she could go hunting with him. The weekend he is set to go out, she and I are headed to New York City to spend time with her cousins who are friends to her BUT she doesn’t want to go now, she wants to hunt with Shawn.
    My daughter was born in Montana and she is ALL Montana to me. I am from the suburbs outside of NYC, we had totally different upbringings and I am jealous of hers. As I write that, it tears me up because she absolutely blows me away with all that she has done in her 5 years of life. Hiked St. Mary’s Peak at 4 months with no crying, “swam” in Holland Lake at 6 months, rolled around in dirt on camping trips time and time again and floated the Smith at the age of 3, so on and so on. She continues to test herself and jumps into all sorts of things with excitement.
    WE are so lucky to live in a place like this to call home and to raise your little girl here will be amazing. All that she will be exposed to with you and Eric, there is no doubt she will be freaken BAD ASS.
    Regardless, whatever she becomes, the love you feel for her will absolutely overwhelm you and Eric. When she comes into this world, you’ll see.
    I am so happy for you both and I’n so excited at the thought of the great mother you will be. If you ever have questions, thoughts that you may think are crazy, ANYTHING….please let me know. xo

    1. Oh Deirdre! I so love Ryan. I love her camo hat and her tomboy attitude. She is an amazing little girl. You have a good point that we are extremely lucky to be raising our kids here and if I can pass one thing on to mine it will be an appreciation (and hopefully love) for Montana. Thanks for sharing and for lifting my spirits today!

      xo, janna

  8. Janna!

    This post reminds me very much of Dallas and I’s experience with the 20 week ultrasound. We were both hoping for a boy as he is the only Martin male left in his family and I’ve only ever been around boys my entire life. I grew up as somewhat of a tomboy and played sports my whole life and never really liked dolls. All of my friends have boys as well. I had convinced myself that I was having a boy and felt pressure to have one from Dallas.

    Dallas actually dropped his head when the Dr. told us we were having a girl. I felt guilty when we we found out as well because she was a healthy little girl and I should have been ecstatic! Trust me though when you see that beautiful little girl you will love her and laugh at the thought that you ever wanted a boy! It really doesn’t matter what you have, I swear to you! It is the most amazing experience of your life. I had dreamed of having 2 or 3 boys my entire life and was positive I would get that dream.

    Now that I have a little baby girl, I would be fine with 2 more! I accepted the whole girl thing a couple weeks after finding out the sex and then proceeded to get very excited. I thought to myself – I’m a girl and I’m awesome and my baby will be too! Plus, decorating for a girl’s nursery is super fun! and I personally think that the baby girls’ clothing is much cuter than the boys’!

    Oh and Dallas is absolutely wrapped our Addisyn’s little finger and he couldn’t be happier about her. He actually accepted it a couple weeks after the ultrasound as well and although he won’t admit it he loved buying cute dresses for her! And just like you said girls can get out there and be every bit as adventurous as boys and I’m betting you and Eric’s little girl will definitely be an active little thing! So don’t feel guilty for feeling that way, lots of people go through it. And enjoy the rest of your pregnancy! You are one of the most creative people I know so I’d rather not see the finished product of your nursery as it will lead me to feel bad about mine ;). You will have tons of fun shopping for her!

    Her birth will be one of the most amazing things of your life. You will forget every desiring for her to be a boy. I definitely did and laugh about it now! Dallas and Eric were probably given girls first for a good reason anyhow. Addisyn is definitely a daddy’s girl. Plus, there is always time for more kiddos and a boy could possibly be in your future later anyway! I can’t wait for our little girls to meet each other. Take Care.

    Ashley

    1. Hey Ashley – thanks so much for your comment! It really does sound like we went through similar scenarios. Perhaps I should tell Eric to go have a beer with Dallas….that is if he can get him away from Addisyn for an evening! I never had any doubt about Dallas being a wonderful father…he is amazing with kids and I can just see him with a little girl. But yeah, I am totally relating to everything you’ve said. Thank you for sharing and thank you for giving me hope that one day I will laugh about this….

      And I think you’re right that they (Eric, Dallas…..heck, Ryan) were given girls first for a good reason. Goooooood point. haha.

      xo, J

  9. Jana,
    I think you are an amazing young woman who is about to become a mother! Your feelings and emotions are so in line with what we all go through! After I had Ticer, a boy was all I knew. When I was pregnant with Maranda I thought for sure I was having another boy because boys are what I know. When Lee & I found out she was a GIRL, I thought what in the world am I going to do with a girl!!! I struggled with mixed up emotions as well. For anyone who now knows Maranda knows she is a beautiful young lady who has so many talents. She skis, water and snow, knee boards, bridge jumps, hikes, bikes, swims, ice skates, hunts (with her dad, brother and uncles), guts her own deer, shoots straight, climbs trees, plays soccer, football and will take on any challenge someone puts out there for her! She was a pink princess when she was little and refused to comb her hair for school until 3rd grade. She’s not obsessed with brand name clothing, make up or looking perfect. She is exactly what God wanted and I wouldn’t trade her in for the world. We are friends, we fight and we love each other. She has her daddy wrapped around his little finger! We went on a mission together in March and I couldn’t have imagined going with anyone else. Watching her grow is amazing. You and Eric will find all of these things and more with your daughter. She will be just what you and Eric are, AMAZING! You guys will give her some awesome experiences and she will surprise you everyday! I can’t wait to hear about all of your adventures. Love to all three of you!
    Lisa Nelson

  10. Janna, you might remember a few comments I made about how “my girl will never wear pink blah blah blah.” (And, of course, now she does. Almost daily.) One of the reasons I was anti-pink is because I was terrified of having a girl. I never wanted girls. For as long as I can remember, I told people I wanted boys. Just boys. Partly because I don’t feel like I make a very good girl. I’m not good with fashion and makeup. I seem to lack some of the more “girly” social skills (translation: tact and decorum). I have very little patience for anyone else’s PMS. Most of all, I was (and still am) terrified of trying to guide a girl through that horrifically awkward stage we all go through starting about 5th grade when so many girls seem to turn into vicious, um, witches. I figured if I just had boys, they would be guaranteed to look like their father and have more of those manly skills that make the emotional trauma of growing up…less traumatic.
    So when we found out that Joslyn was definitely female (the way the ultrasound tech phrased it: “That’s definitely a girl. If it’s not, that’s the biggest package I’ve ever seen.”), I was surprised. And anxious. And not entirely pleased. What will I do with a girl? I never learned how to French braid! Holy crap, what if she looks just like me and her ugly duckling phase includes being mistaken for a boy because her hair is too short? These were a few of my thoughts as we walked out of the doctor’s office. I didn’t have the same level of response you did, but it was definitely not the joyous delight birds chirping angles trumpeting soaring happiness that we expect ourselves to feel. And I have had a few moments of guilt about that. But I’ve also grown a bit as a person. I realized that there are all kinds of girls out there, not just the graceful, charming, stylish kind, and that each girl has tremendous value. (and why that lesson escaped me up until now, I’m not sure, and I’m certainly ashamed of that)
    The moral of this story is…a little foggy. I don’t have too many words of wisdom. You feel what you feel, and if you don’t name it and explore it a little bit, you never get to understand it or possibly move past it. Also, although many people are great at trying to diminish your feelings or make you feel like a “bad” person for having a certain emotional reaction, everything you feel is valid. And you can’t let what anyone else thinks determine your boundaries. Finally, I guarantee that no matter what you think or feel during your pregnancy and into parenthood (even the really “bad” things) you are not alone. Someone else has been there, too. They just haven’t been brave enough to say it out loud. (Except the guy who wrote “Go the Fu*k to Sleep”)
    Thanks for your bravery. Thanks for your wisdom and maturity. Thanks for your beautiful writing.
    Melanie

  11. Good morning, Janna.

    After reading your completely honest (and normal) post and the followup message(s), I wanted to applaud you for dealing with your reaction in a healthy manner. The unexpected is what motherhood is all about – so I hear. Just because you are having a girl doesn’t mean she’ll be all into the color pink and barbies. She may transcend society’s gender roles. For example, I am the daughter of a “man’s man”. I ski 100+ days a year, “kill things”, wreck stuff, and I routinely pack it in on my mountain bike without smudging my mascara. One thing is for sure, you and Eric will raise one kick ass chick whether she is outdoorsy or arty.

    Erin

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