I have a tradition of writing a post on my birthday. It’s typically one that is a little more personal, a glimpse into my little world and my goals or dreams, or just a few fun facts to help you get to know the real me a bit better. While I try to be as real and authentic as I can in all my posts, it’s hard to know what each reader walks away thinking. So these are always a good way for me to open up a bit and share a piece of me with all of you.
So, this year I guess I’m 35. I have this convenient problem of never really being able to remember how old I am. I mean, is it 33 or 34? I just never know….because it all still feels like 28. I have this fear that I’ll wake up 70 years old and still feel 28, which seems like a nasty trick. Just stuck inside some old body.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I used to think 35 was old. Like, ancient.
And now I am 35.
This year I don’t really have a list of fun facts to share with you (like I did at 32.) I’m not fearful of the coming year, wondering what it will bring and terrified of losing myself (like I was at 33). And I’m not really too sentimental about reflecting on the past year (like I was at 34). This year? I feel…..content. Weird, huh? And I’m not really sure how to explain it other than things are good. I feel healthy. I feel happy. I feel like maybe I’m finally figuring this mom thing out. I feel motivated. I feel confident.
Content or not, I still find myself questioning everything constantly – how can I be a better mom? Can I do better at my job? Do I even like my job? Why can’t our house stay clean for just one freaking second? How can I strengthen the relationship with my Husband? When do I get some time to myself? Why are there no houses for sale that I like in Missoula? Shouldn’t we be talking about baby #2?
I mean seriously. I question everything. Big things. Little things. Important things. Inconsequential things.
And the more I think about it, the more I think that’s ok. I don’t want to settle and never question anything. Questioning things makes you think. It makes you evaluate your circumstances and helps you realize that if you don’t like something you can change it. Or you can work towards changing it. I am living proof of that. I made a huge commitment to myself this year and put myself and my health first by changing my diet (and my families diet). And I’m seeing positive results because of it. And I did it because I questioned the way I was feeling; I knew it wasn’t right and it could be better; it could be different.
So, after a little thought and reflection about how I feel regarding turning 35, I decided that my goal for this year is to JUST BE.
If that means questioning things, so be it. I’m ok with that. As long as I remember that overall I do feel content and happy right where I’m at.
I’m the first to admit that letting yourself “be” is likely harder than it sounds.
And I hate to sound cliche’…but as a mom you really do tend to put yourself last. To put your own feelings, wants, needs and dreams aside so that your family can flourish. That’s ok to some extent. But you can’t put yourself so much in last place that you’re forgotten.
That’s why this year I’m going to let myself just be. It doesn’t mean I’ll be first all the time, or second or third. Sometimes I’ll still be last. But as long as I’m being true to myself and honest about what I’m feeling then it’s ok.
I feel good about turning 35, even if it’s hard to remember or acknowledge. I’m looking forward to this year and what it holds, and I’m going to let myself be happy and enjoy it….no matter how ancient I am.
I may also enjoy some Big Dipper ice cream and just be stomach-achy. But that’s another story.
As always, I’ve borrowed my title from one of my favorite Jewel songs, Stephenville, TX. Take a listen here: